Naked Genesis
by nidoprince
Summary: Police Lieutenant Frank Drebin, wakes up from an accidental cryogenic freeze to discover he is in a world unlike he had known, a world assaulted by Angels and defended by a few young children in giant semi biological robots.


**Scene 1**

 _A dark hallway lined with strange human sized pods, all numbered, with information filled plaques._

 _Hear sound of door opening, with a venting sound. Looking from door perspective as door opens, with light of door illuminating the hallway better, revealing human faces looking out from windows in pods._

 _Camera cuts to looking at door after brief pause on faces. See intimidating_ _silhouette._

 _Figure strides forward, revealing Gendo Ikari, with distinctive eyeglass flash._

 _Followed after by older gentleman with sniveling sort of mannerism, constantly wringing hands._

Gendo: Where is he?

Manager: Just over here. In the back. He was one of our earliest clients, back before we had the technology to unfreeze them. A real visionary. Asked to be unfrozen when aging could be reversed or halted. Usually we wouldn't unfreeze someone like that until their wish was granted but well… for you, such statements have a certain amount of flexibility.

 _Man laughs nervously as he glances back at Gendo, seeming to be looking for a response but none is given. Gendo continues to look ahead down the long corridor of frozen corpses they are walking through, his eyes fixed on the very end, where one final coffin is just barely visible, bigger and bulkier than the rest._

Gendo: How long will the unfreezing process take?

Manager: Only a moment. It has to be done nearly instantly or the brain tissue will be damaged by the transition. Do you have a place for him to stay? Patients tend to be disoriented for a few days after returning to the world of the room temperature.

Gendo: Yes, of course.

 _Pair reaches the end of the hall, standing before the giant ice coffin. Glass glare makes face invisible, but plaque can be read: Dr. Isiah Nided._

Manager: He was distinguished gentleman, always with an air of dignity and poise.

 _Camera pans and the frozen body can be seen, the body contorted into a completely ridiculous pose._

 _Gendo stares at the manager who quickly starts typing something into the device._

Manager: Of course the freezing process can be difficult for anyone, especially in those early days. Still, he was a brilliant man despite all that. You'll be taking full responsibility for him?

Gendo: Yes. Get this door open and you'll never have to see him again.

 _The man nods and types in a few more commands before stepping back. There is a great hissing sound, and freezing steam jets out from the sides of the coffin, sounding intimidating at first, but going on a little to long, with the sound getting increasingly silly sounding._

 _The door starts to open, but gets jammed half way. The manager has to push the door open, huffing and puffing as he does so._

Manager: These old models can be a bit… troublesome. Don't worry though, the good doctor is just fine.

 _Gendo watches the proceedings, nonplussed._

 _The door finally opens after an extended struggle between it and the manager, who gets hit in the face a few times during the fight, the door getting in one last hard hit before it opens fully. The freezing fog lifts, after the manager falls out of frame, and we get a shot of Frank Dreblin in the ridiculous pose, except soaking wet now instead of frozen solid. He stays frozen in the pose for a long moment, then shakes himself like a wet dog, the camera panning to Gendo standing stock still, getting drenched by the frantic shaking._

Gendo: Doctor Nided.

Frank: No, I'm quite alright. I'm as fit as a fiddle.

 _Frank stretches, and throws out his back, falling to the ground._

 _Gendo tries to help him up but Drebin keeps trying to do it on his own, falling down each time, an_ _exaggerated_ _cracking noise playing with each fall._

 _He finally manages to get to his feet only after finally taking Gendo's extended hand._

Frank: I feel like a man of twenty. Not a care in the world. Not an ache or pain in the body.

 _The last words are spoken as he grimaces in pain while trying to stand up straight._

Gendo: Yes, of course. My name is Gendo Ikari. I am here to offer you a job. Our project needs men like you. One could even say that the world needs men like you.

Frank: That was on the recruiting posters. But I'm retired. I just finished up my very last case, only moments ago. You'll have to find someone else.

Gendo: But there is no one else. No one has your unique skills. Doctor, surely you understand how important your research was?

Frank: My friends at the cadaver lab always told me I was a credit to the medical community. Still, I'm not a doctor, and don't call me Sherly.

Gendo: You are not the renowned Doctor Isiah Nided?

Frank: I can't imagine he needed me as a doctor.

Gendo: Who are you then?

Frank: Lieutenant Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

 _Gendo turns on the manager, who has only now managed to recover from the incident with the door._

Gendo: You seem to have misplaced the good doctor.

 _The man's face pales._

Frank: It is always harder to find a good doctor than lose one, at least in my experience.

Manager: There must be some mistake. Doctor Nided was frozen in this box fifty years ago. It has not been opened since. There is no way that anyone else could have gotten inside.

 _Cut to Frank's face, remembering something. Opens his mouth to say something._

 _Show a quick flash back of Frank Drebin moving through a similar building, with his gun out._

 _He hears people coming down the corridor, looks for an exit. Not finding one, he opens the coffin, grabs the frozen doctor, folding him over and stuffing him in a nearby bin, then closing himself inside the coffin._

 _The coffin starts freezing him, the surprise makes him fall into the stupid pose and he is frozen solid._

 _A janitor comes by, grabs the garbage bag from the trash can with the frozen doctor without looking inside, and loads him off on a cart labeled: "For incineration"._

 _Cut back to Frank's face. He closes his mouth._

Frank: Well gentlemen, its been pleasant meeting you. I need to report in.

 _Frank moves past Gendo and the manager who are both still arguing, and exits the building, waving to an attractive nurse on his way out. After he leaves, the camera zooms in on a calender, which shows the date._

 **Scene 2**

 _Camera pans over scenes of empty streets and Japanese countryside. The distinctive sound of crickets is heard._

 _Cuts to a birds eye view of a long street, empty except for one teenager, Shinji Ikari, who is walking along it, listening to something on his headphones. Hold steady while he walks across the whole shot._

 _Cut to a closer shot of Shinji sitting down on a bench at a train station, waiting for the train to arrive._

 _Fade background to black so its just Shinji in a sitting position floating in darkness._

 _Shoot from strange angles, moving towards Shinji for a bit, then cutting back to another angle and doing the same thing while Shinji has a mental monologue._

Shinji: Why won't he talk to me? … We have not seen each other in years. … I… I hate him! I should stop piloting the EVA!

 _Flash a brief image of an injured Rei._

Shinji: But then… If I stop then he will… He has me trapped. His own son. I have to fight the angels. I have no choice. But can I… How can I… What can someone like me… Its my life! How come he gets to choose every-

Frank: Excuse me son.

 _Camera pulls back from Shinji, revealing the background again, and Frank Drebin standing uncomfortable close to the boy, all but shouting into his ear. Shinji starts and Drebin repeats himself, even louder._

Frank: Excuse me, can you hear me? Can you tell me where we are? I seem to have gotten a bit lost and there is no one around.

Shinji: Who… Who are you?

Frank: Lieutenant Frank Drebin, police squad!

Shinji: Oh, so you work for my father then? I didn't know we even had a police force any more, just a military.

Frank: No police? What kind of a place is this? It seems a bit foreign.

 _Camera cuts to distinctly Japanese buildings, and signs written in Japanese._

Frank: Maybe Chinatown?

 _Cut to a sign reading, in English, Welcome to Tokyo 3!_

Shinji: This is… Tokyo 3. What… I mean who… are you? If you don't know… then how…

Frank: So I am in the Orient then? How did I get here? What strange forces conspired to bring me from my final case, my final pursuit of that madman Alex Gon, to this far away place? Why I am I so soggy? Why is the water the color of blood? Why did my wife leave me? How can one really trust anyone else? Who am I? What did I have for lunch yesterday?

Shinji: Ah… Uh…

Frank: Oh, don't worry. You don't need to answer, just expositing. Except the one about the ocean. Why in all that is holy is the sea red? I thought this was Japan, not Egypt!

Shinji: Um… Well… Back 30 years ago there was this thing called Second Impact…

 **Scene 3**

 _NERV headquarters. Warning lights are flashing. Sirens are blaring. People are scrambling._

" _Its the director Major!":_ Its the director Major!

Misato: Give me the phone!

 _Misato grabs phone from stunned officer._

Misato: Yes. - I understand. - We'll get the job done sir. - Yes, right away.

Ritsuko: What is it Misato? What's happening?

Misato: There is an Angel attacking Neo Kyoto. We are to send an EVA in as soon as possible.

Ritsuko: But that's impossible. The Maji detect no AT field. It can't be an Angel!

Misato: Its as big as a building and shaped like a giant robot. If its not an Angel, than what else could it be? Its our responsibility either way.

Ritsuko: You're right. I'll see if the Maji can tell us anything.

Misato: All right, find Shinji! Send Asuka in right away, and have Rei back her up!

" _Yes sir, right away!":_ Yes sir, right away!

 **Scene 4**

 _Scenes of empty streets and nature. Crickets chirping. Back at the train stop. Frank is staring blankly, his mouth hanging open. Cricket continue for a good bit._

Shinji: Are you… Ok?

Frank: … Yeah, I think so. Give me a second.

 _Frank turns slightly to the side, looking up into the air before beginning to monologue._

Frank: So I am trapped in the future. A world of red seas and biblical monsters. A world of giant robots and underground cities. A world of raw fish and ciggarettes from vending machines. A world with no police squad. With my job long gone, and my squadron long dead, what is an old workhorse like me supposed to do? I was going to retire to my pasture, but my pasture is gone too, blown up by a meteor or sold to communists or something. I'll have to eat my apples and hope I don't get turned to glue. I'll have to gallop across this brand new land and sow my wild oats with a brand new mare. I'll have to sleep standing up and lick salt from giant blocks.

 _Shinji is looking more and more confused and upset by the continuing monologue._

Shinji: What.

Frank: Oh. Sorry. Just expositing again. Its good for the exposiphous. At least according to my doctor. But then, he was always a bit expository himself.

 _Cut to a brief scene of a doctor looking Frank over while monologuing about his car payments and his new mistress._

 _Scene interrupted by alarms blaring._

Frank: What's that? A fire? An earthquake? An American nuclear strike?

Shinji: No, its an Angel. I need to get back to headquarters. My frie… people need me!

Frank: That's the spirit. A little false sense of importance is what gets everyone through the day.

 _Shinji starts running down the street, Frank starting after him, but soon huffing and puffing, his wheezing getting ridiculously loud as the camera follows them until they disappear around a corner._

 **Scene 5**

 _Gendo behind a desk, signature glasses glare over interlaced fingers._

Gendo: Its too soon for the next attack. What is going on? And the reports say that the new angel doesn't have an AT field.

Kozo: I couldn't say sir. Is it wise to attack when we know so little?

Gendo: Perhaps not. But do we have a choice? We will lose the support of the government if we let Neo Kyoto be destroyed.

Kozo: As you say.

 _Gendo continues to stare, sulkily._

 **Scene 6**

 _Shinji and Frank have entered into the base, still running, with Frank still wheezing as he does so, down long metal hallways. They finally reach the EVA room, and stand beneath EVA 01, looking up at it._

Frank: What.

Shinji: This is… my EVA. I pilot it to save… everyone.

Frank: Aren't you a little young?

Shinji: Yes… yes I am. But I… I have to. No one else can.

Frank: We'll see about that! Is it stick shift? I brought back most of the squad cars in my day. Or at least half. Maybe a quarter. But I can drive. I'll fight your battle kid, don't worry about old Frank Drebin.

 _Shinji and the technicians watch in shock as Frank squeezes himself into the entry plug._

" _You can't do that sir!": You can't do that sir!_

" _Stop! You can't!:_ Stop! You can't!

Frank: Don't tell an old man what he can't do. I'm a member of police force!

 _Frank sticks his hand out of the plug holding his badge. Then, body contorted, he gets fully inside and the plug closes, loading into EVA 01. We are treated to scene of the tube filling up with fluid and Frank's facial expressions as he thinks he is drowning. Once he doesn't die from it, he finally is fully connected to the EVA. Its lights turn on._

Frank: Hey baby! I heard you had a thing for younger men, but I am here to show you what a real man is like. One with age, and experience, and timing problems, and age, and a badge.

 _Shot of EVA 01's face. Looking nonplussed._

Frank: Don't worry. Everything is going to be OK. Daddy is here. You'll find yourself loving the Drebin.

 _Another shot of a deadpan EVA face. Then, after a pause, the EVA explodes._

 _Cut to Control Room, the screen showing EVA 00 and EVA 02 being beaten back by an unseen foe, and a hail of missiles._

" _EVA 01 is down!_ ": EVA 01 is down!

Misato: What.

 _Cut back. Frank has somehow escaped the explosion unscathed. The robot continues to spew blood and gore behind him._

Frank: Nothing to see here. Nothing at all. Don't worry, I'm the police. Nothing to see here. Move along.

 _Everyone is in total shock. Gore continues to spurt and Drebin continues to repeat his line._

 _Cut to Gendo's room. Angry staring._

Kozo: What are we going to do sir?

 _Long pause. Gendo stares straight ahead._

Gendo: Activate the contingency. If Dr. Nided's little experiment caused this problem, then perhaps it can fix it as well.

Kozo: Are you sure sir? Its untested. And all of our pilots lack the required traits.

Gendo: We'll just have to improvise then won't we.

 _Kozo nods and departs the room. Gendo smiles an evil smile._

 _Cut back to the EVA 01 room. EVA 01 has stopped spewing gore and is now just a pair of legs standing still, in a room covered in blood. The technicians are mournfully mopping up the blood. Shinji is huddled in a corner rocking back and forth. Frank is in a heated discussion with a number of folks in military uniforms._

Frank: Now see here. The big thing was obviously an Angel. I see a giant semi biological robot sitting around ready to kill people and I kill it. That's my policy.

" _It was the last hope of humanity!_ ": It was the last hope of humanity!

" _How did you even kill it?_ ": How did you even kill it?

" _Are you an Angel?_ ": Maybe you are an Angel?

Frank: I'm not. And don't call me Maybe.

 _Kozo enters the room from a high point._

Kozo: Shinji, we need you. … And also you Mr. Drebin.

Frank: See, the top brass sees the value of my work.

Shinji: But… Without unit one I'm… what good am I? … What can I… I can't… I'm useless.

Frank: Buck up kid. We'll get through this together.

 _Shinji looks at Frank in horror._

Kozo: Shinji, your father has a back up plan. We need you. Now. If you don't hurry then the pilots of unit 0 and unit 2 are going to die.

 _Shinji's look of horror intensifies._

 _Black fade out. Only Shinji on screen, talking to himself._

Shinji: I have to… save… Rei. Also Asuka… I guess…

 _Face turns to determination. Background reappears._

Shinji: OK, lets go.

Frank: Atta boy. You'll make it in police squad yet.

 _Frank pats Shinji on the back, who is mortified by this. The pair make their way out of the room, walking forward, into the camera._

 **Scene 7**

 _Shinji and Frank step into an unlit room, followed by Kozo. The camera pans up to see the shadowed figure of a massive robot, much more bulky and mechanical looking than EVA 01._

Shinji: Its big.

Frank: Oh boy it is! Whoever built this…well, you know what they say.

Shinji: What?

Frank: Well they say that you need to shout freeze before you shoot a criminal. Wait, I think that might be the wrong thing. But they say that sometimes. Especially to me.

Kozo: Follow me.

 _A door in the robot's foot opens up and the trio enter inside._

 _They ride an elevator up to a cockpit. There is a large chair, with a number of buttons and two joystick things at the end of some strange looking armrests. A small tv screen sits under the windows which look out of the robot._

Shinji: Th...this is nothing like the EVA. I don't know how to pilot this.

Frank: Reminds me of the old stick shift from the force. Mechanic had it all fixed up after every ride.

Kozo: This robot can only be piloted by people who possess certain qualities. Those who lack said qualities will find the robot non-functional. Or perhaps something worse.

Frank: What qualities does it need? I've been known to have a few of those myself.

Kozo: It needs surety of purpose, no doubt in your heart.

 _Frank steps forward, while Shinji sulks back._

Kozo: And it needs purity, no great shames in your past or evil in your heart.

 _Frank stops his step forward. Slowly returning the foot back where it was._

Kozo: Now ideally, one person would have both those traits, but your father believes that two might pilot together, so long as each has one of them.

Shinji: My father… believes… But I am not pure…

Frank: At your age, I'd been a policeman for fifteen years, shot forty seven criminals. Trust me kid, you are as pure as they get.

Shinji: I… can I… I will do … my best.

Kozo: Strap in. And read the instructions on your trip. You are going to Neo Kyoto.

 **Scene 8**

Devastation and ruin in Neo Kyoto. Buildings are destroyed. EVA 00 is on the ground, one of its arms missing. EVA 02 is standing over her, shielding from some sort of energy beam.

Asuka: What kind of Angel is this? It doesn't have an AT field?

Rei: I don't know if it is an Angel at all. Maybe a creation of man. Its stronger than our EVAs, bigger, but much slower. If we want to win, we need to act as a team.

Asuka: Oh, says the girl who lost her arm running off and charging it by herself before I arrived. OK, lets do this.

 _EVA 02 grabs a chunk of building, and hurls it towards the source of the beam, visible only as a menacing outline due to the glare of the beam._

 _The building chunk distracts the enemy enough to end the beam assault for a moment. Asuka swings around with the force of the throw, grabbing Rei's remaining arm, and hurling her into the air, towards the enemy robot. Even as Rei sails towards the robot from on high, Asuka runs straight towards it, low to the ground._

 _The robot tries to block Rei, but doesn't see Asuka, who strikes, knocking it out of position enough that Rei is able to land a kick as well. Asuka pulls on the robot's legs as Rei's attack lands, and the robot tips over, falling with a thundering crash._

 _Rei and Asuka move in together to deliver a finishing strike, but the robot, even from the prone position, manages to block the attacks, and the counterattack sends the two flying, the limbs used for the attack seemingly injured into uselessness by the robots defense._

 _With the pair knocked back again, the robot advances forward relentlessly, ignoring completely the desperate gunfire of the two injured EVAs._

 _Just as it gets in range, and pulls back for a punch with a spinning bladed fist, the ground shakes, and the robot that Shinji and Frank were piloting ascends from under the ground, standing in the way of the enemy robot. Robot is seen from behind, looking from the fallen EVA's perspective, still not clearly visible._

 _Camera cuts to inside the cockpit of the big black robot, with Shinji and Frank awkwardly sharing the single chair._

Shinji: Do we really have to say this to make it work?

Frank: I've often asked myself the same question.

Shinji: OK then.

Frank and Shinji together: Big O! Showtime!

 _We see them both pull back the joysticks and launch them forwards. Camera cuts to Big O, charging forward and punching with both fists._

Frank and Shinji: Action!

 _The two giant robots wail on each other for a bit. At first it seems that Big O is winning, but as the battle extends, it seems like its not doing enough damage, while the enemy mech is still hitting just as hard._

Shinji: It's not working! We… I'm not… good enough.

Frank: Nonsense! You have a mother and a father that love you. And all your friends. And you've got me. That is, unless your mother is dead, or your father is a monster, or you couldn't save your friends in that giant mechanical monstrosity I killed.

 _Shinji's face becomes more and more horrified and depressed as Frank lists off various things. The screen in front of them flashes saying "Cast in the name of god, ye not" and everything in the mech turns off._

Shinji: We… I… everyone… is going to die. And I can't… Its my…

Frank: Don't worry. Who can blame you? Except maybe the dead. And maybe the families of the dead. Or the people you let down.

Asuka: Hey! Idiot!

 _Asuka and Rei appear from behind the chair that Frank and Shinji are sitting in._

Rei: Kozo told us what this machine needs to run.

Asuka: Confidence and a pure heart. You boys can step down. We'll take it from here!

Shinji: R...really?

 _Rei nods. Shinji gets up out of the seat._

Frank: Now giant robots and women. I never thought those two things mixed. It would be like cold ice cream on a beach. It seems nice at first, but then it melts and your hands get all sticky, and all the ice cream is gone. No, they just don't mix at all.

 _Shinji and Asuka drag Frank out of the chair despite his resistance and the two girls sit down, with Frank and Shinji standing behind them. The pair grip the handles and shout together._

Rei and Asuka: Big O! Action!

 _The computer screen blinks and displays "Cast in the name of god. Ye not guilty." The mech roars to life and the battle begins in earnest._

 _Its a back and forth battle, but the girls get the upper hand, and after a number of exchanges of blows, they finish it off with a Sudden Impact. The top of the robot explodes, leaving a floating ghostly man covered in bandages._

Schwartzwald: At last! I have found the truth! This is the true world, of which our town was just a show upon! I understand everything!

 _Even as he shouts his understanding, he, and the remains of his mech vanish, as another larger mechanical monstrosity appears out of nowhere. The world around the new robot seems to shift and change, becoming linear and digital looking._

 _The screen in Big O lights up with Misato's face._

Misato: Watch out! That's the angel! We detect the AT field now. Destroy it!

Rei, Asuka, Shinji: Roger!

 _Frank gives Misato a wink._

 _Big O charges towards the new robot, preparing to use Sudden Impact. When the fist hits the Angel however, everything freezes, and things get weird._

 _The characters are floating in empty space talking to themselves._

Shinji: I can… I need… I am…

Asuka: My mother… I don't need her. I am good and smart and strong.

Rei: I'm just… one of many. Can I… protect…

Frank: I wonder if Japan has peanut butter? I could really use a nice PB&J right now, nice and juicy.

 _It cuts to a scene of them all with their hair shaved, watching a man hold up a tomato._

 _Then it shifts again, and they are on board an airplane. Frank is piloting, Shinji is a copilot, Rei is stewardess, and Asuka is speaking jive._

 _Another shift and they are aboard a submarine. Shinji is a girl. They are battling pirates underwater. The water is very blue._

 _Another shift: Highschool, but Frank is their biology teacher, teaching sex ed._

 _Another shift: Asuka and Rei are driving a car around a dimly lit city, talking about being negotiators, and driving past Shinji and Frank, who are wearing dresses._

 _Another shift: A line world. Everyone is a line. Except for Frank, who is a parrot._

 _Another shift: Everyone is a tomato!_

 _Another shift: Everyone is standing around, and a mysterious blond woman with glowing angelic wings stands with them, across from them._

Shinji: Who are you?

Angel: You can call me… Angel.

Frank: And you can call me… any time you want… but by my name… which is Lieutenant Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

Asuka: What's going on? What's happening?

Angel: Our AT fields merged. We are together, birthing a new world. A world of memories.

Shinji: But why?

Angel: No reason.

Shinji: What?

Angel: I'm just kidding. I just hate doing exposition. Here, he's better at it.

 _An attractive man in a fancy jacket with intense black hair appears from the nothingness. Rei stares at him._

Rei: Who are you?

Roger: I'm Roger… The Negotiator

Frank: Tell us Roger, whats this all about?

Roger: OK. Well, the human instrumentality project was enviosioned years ago with the discovery of the angel Adam, the real cause of Second Impact. The goal was to create a new world by merging the souls of all humanity together. In order to succeed however, the Angel's would have to be defeated, so a plan was hatched to build giant robots that were part Angel who could battle the real Angel's. Shinji's dead mother was also put into one of them for fun. Meanwhile, these particular robots could only be piloted by special children like yourselves. This was considered a flaw, and so there was an attempt to create adults capable of piloting the EVA. This was done using a simulation of a city without memories, a bunch of people who's minds kept getting erased and a bunch of simulated EVA like giant robots that worked on similar principles, all controlled by a mysterious director, which was in fact NERV. Unfortunately creating working EVA pilots is hard and we had to reset a bunch of times which sorta worked and sorta didn't. That world was unfortunately hijacked by an Angel, who infiltrated the simulation and stole a number of the robots and pilots from within that reality to use in this one. It then tried to fight you guys, but because your souls were so tangled up together and confused, we got sucked inside as well, and Human Instrumentality became Human/Angel Instrumentality, because I get to contribute too. So now we get to make a new world. Did that answer your question?

Frank: Um… yes.

Shinji: Huh… that was pretty straightforward.

Asuka: So we just get to work together to create a new reality?

Roger: Yep.

Rei: So did we win or lose?

Angel: A bit of both?

 _Suddenly everyone is standing on a grassy hill, and everyone from Neon Genesis Evangelion, Naked Gun, and Big O is standing around clapping._

Everyone: In this world of memories, we want to say: Congratulations! … Congratulations! … … Congratulations!

 _Frank heads over to his wife._

Frank: Jane!

Jane: Frank!

 _Frank makes out with Jane. More clapping. Everyone hugs. Everyone in any of these seriess that you ship together make out. Fade to black. Run credits._


End file.
